Another day

So today is another day and I say it that way because I won't be so pessimistic to call it a bad day but it certainly is far from any good day. Not exactly sure why either. I woke up this morning with the idea of getting tons done (but secretly knowing it never seems to happen). I sat down to the computer and checked my email, 9 new messages, cool! Not so much junk junk and more junk. So I check our bank account, depressing (won't get into those details!) Then I check my sister-in-laws blog and was excited to read two new posts. When other people post on their blog or make comments on mine it really makes me happy. Although after reading Nichole's therapy session and the post to go with it it just completed my no good day. (Nichole don't feel guilty as it happens at the drop of a hat and anything could have triggered it). I totally can relate to Nichole's tales of motherhood, loosing an identity, wanting a powerful high money job, and then the guilt of all my shortcomings. I have one child who while I'm not being one of those perfect people with perfect kids I know I am EXTREMELY blessed with such a well behaved little baby. She sleeps through the night from 7 p.m. to at least 9 a.m. takes very good naps during the day, eats well, listens to me when I tell her things and is basically just a sweetheart with a big hilarious personality. Which, strange as it may sound, brings me to my depression and guilt. With such a great daughter I should be able to be one of those perfect moms right? After all this (being a mom and wife) is my job. Yet somehow I can never get everything done, I cannot seem to stay organized I can never stay on top of the laundry, I do dishes but the just reappear, and don't even get me started on the upstairs of our house. In theory it's simple: every Monday vaccuum and mop, every Tuesday go grocery shopping, every Wednesday do all the laundry, every Thursday clean the bathrooms, and then Friday I can have some time for me to do scrapbooking or some similar "make me happy activity". With each day having a main purpose then every day keep up with dishes, straightening the house, taking care of Tayla and Adrie (and as Nichole said it pretty much does consist of feed child, change diaper, feed child, hold child, clean up, hold two children, feed child, change diaper, get one to sleep, get other to sleep, change two poopy diapers, feed child, feed child, clean up, change diaper, feed child, feed child, feed other child, put child to sleep, bath child, feed other child, put that one to sleep, kiss Nate good night and pass out in bed. Although my second child is only here until about 5:30). It sounds simple and very organized and if I can stick to it life is easy and everything gets done, but it NEVER happens. I was very organized when I held a paying job so why can't I be now? It really bothers me but no matter what I do it doesn't seem to happen. I only seem to fall further and further behind on certain things which in turn only makes the "scheduled" life seem like more and more of a joke. And worst of all of it as I fall further and further behind I get overwhelmed don't even know where to begin so as a result I do nothing. And on top of all of that I feel guilty when I don't get dressed every day but seriously why am I getting out of my pajamas? Tayla doesn't care, no need to dirty more clothes, and make up, my hair? Yeah right. Yet I feel guilty if I don't. Or dinner. I have thins thing where I just am not hungry and I just don't think about dinner then Nate comes home from work starving asking what's for dinner and oh crap it's 7:00 and I haven't even thought of what to make let alone defrosted meat. And that makes me guilty because I am then I am not only a bad mom, bad housekeeper who stays in her pajamas all day but I am also a lousy wife with a starving (now cranky) husband. And just as nichole said, sometimes I wish my life were different, that I could make a lot of money, that I could go back to school, that I could have a social life, that I could have friends that I do things with, that I could be high power and important in what I do, and be good at it! But then I realize that most of that will never happen and that I love Tayla and can't wait for our second and that I'm important to her and she relies on me and needs me and no matter how much money I was offered it wouldn't replace the feeling I get when I know just how much she loves me. Someday maybe I'll learn to keep house better and someday maybe I'll have more of a social life, someday maybe I will go back to school and someday maybe I'll remember dinner before Nate gets home, someday maybe my house will be organized and I can live my "scheduled life" or maybe someday I'll just be okay with the way things are.... Until then I know I'm at least a good mom with a beautiful daughter and a very tolerant husband who is also a great dad.

For any of you who are stay-at-home moms you know what I'm talking about, what Nichole was talking about and that really this is barely scratching the surface of some of our feelings. For those of you who are stay-at-home moms and don't know what we are talking about (as Nichole so elegantly stated), please go back to your "perfect" lives and don't comment or give advice. And for those of you who aren't moms yet, you'll probably get it someday.